Confusion all around
Its all around me. In the basement sitting at my desk. I can’t escape it. All around me. Confusion is all around. I see this and I see that. Scenes after scenes moving too fast to stay in memory or to experience. One right after the other. Annoying. Its annoying. Like my whining is. Annoying. I just need to slow my thoughts and grab control of my imagination. See what I want to see. Filter through the images and scenes and make sense. At first I thought I was starting a new story now I am not sure. It could be ENTER SANDMAN 3. I was wanting to start T.B.O.T.E. Book FIVE but sometimes I have no control of what story I will write. Maybe I shouldn’t start Book FIVE. Its huge. But if I get stuck in the middle of that story and I get hit with my seizure then, well, that would be bad. A new story might be fun but ENTER SANDMAN 3 would be fine too.
Around 4 A.M. I was in the basement sitting in front of the computer. Couldn’t see anything as far as a story then Bam. Vision blackens and the soft wind blows. Seconds later the blackness fades and I am character sitting at a desk in the character’s room. I am nervous and I don’t know what to type. I have message and it needs to be heard. Then I pull away from the scene and my vision is hit with quick images and words. I saw a man’s face full of terror. I saw a brother and sister in their twenties reading something that I think was from the scared man. I think he was the one in front of the computer. The words were bright white letters over top of the blackness in between the flashing images. I only remember a few of the words. LENGTH, GRAY, LONG ARMS, PIERCING. I can’t remember any of them. MY experience this morning was interrupted by a panicking wife who’s alarm was an hour fast. She thought that I missed the kids getting up for school. I love her. Her face when she realized that she was off by an hour was classic. Right now I’m staring at those words on the screen, trying to recover thoughts, recreate the experience. Not working but it is early. I am going to read, tweet then walk the puppy.
Really lost, lost lost lost. My thoughts are moving way too fast for me to control. I was going to start a new story then I wasn’t going to start a new story and then of course I was. Now I am sitting down here staring at the screen and I can’t remember what I am doing. Are you kidding? That is so stupid. I should go to sleep. I could make a cup of coffee. No, a glass of lemonade. Then I come back down here, put the music on, stare at this screen and see what happens.
I have decided to read read read. I need to clear my head and slow my thoughts. I have decided to read. I am currently reading four stories. I read fast. Should have two done by the night, if time allows that is. The family is having a lazy day so I a have the time. These are stories that I have wanted to read for a while so it is good to finally get to them. For me this is also about saying and doing. I actually have about 20 stories in my to read list so I need to read them. These rambles here are for my focus. I try to tweet the author when I am done with their story and I give an honest review on Amazon. That is my goal for the night and morning. Read read read.
Friday was our youngest’s birthday party. She turned 12. She had 17 of her friends over. IT was 6-9 but it was interesting. Most of the parents did not come until about 10, which was cool but man that was a lot of kids. She had a great party though. On Sat. it was track and one of the twins set personal bests in the mile and 2 mile. He’s almost under 5 min miles and that’s pretty good for a freshman. Sun. is a concert and who knows what else. It has been a long weekend but it has gone fast. And if all goes well, I will start another story on Sunday night. If I have my way it will be T.B.O.T.E. Book FIVE. I would start now but my brain is not there. Thoughts are moving way too fast and I can’t slow them. I’m too tired and beat down. I need to go to bed. I might take the puppy Michael for a walk then just go to sleep. I was just hoping that I might sit in front of this screen and I might have one of those moments where the subconscious takes over and I just type. I guess that’s why I am rambling rambling rambling right now. It’s kind of working. Maybe I’ll turn the music on and load the word document and see what happens. Why not?
That was fun
Just got back from my brain doctor. That was fun, actually it was as suspected. He’s great but there does not seem to be an end to it all. Which I know is the case. I just go into those appointments with false hope I guess. I don’t know. He did tell me that the other brain doc at the hospital where I was at for a week wants to do brain surgery. No way is that happening. It may not work properly but it is my brain and I am keeping all of it. I am glad my doctor is not for that. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh. My brain has too much information in it right now. I need to go for a walk. I am going to take the puppy out. Get some air and clear my head, maybe slow my thoughts.
Another doctors appointment
Well today blew by quicker than I had expected. On Monday I had an appointment with the arm or shoulder doctor. He said that they are going to scope my shoulder, said that it was a hail marry and that he didn’t think it would work. Said that I have two major disadvantages. My age, being so young, 39, and the other having epilepsy. If they are able to do the surgery that it will only last about 12-15 years. If I have a seizure within four to six months that it will rip the socket and the work to shreds and I will lose the arm. Whatever just do the surgery. Come on. Can’t really use it without heavy amounts of pain and if it works I’d rather have the 12-15 years now while my kids are younger. In the morning I have an appointment with the brain doctor. I am going to tell him that we have to do something but in the end the odds are it will be just another doctors appointment.
Finally. This story is my first and hopefully the last story I tell that doesn’t have a supernatural element in it. Here it is. We released LOST WITHIN MANY today and we decided to make it FREE the 14-15. This was a very hard story for me and I am glad that it is finally available and I am glad that I am done with it.
Here I go again
It looks like LOST WITHIN MANY will be available on Amazon Sunday or Sunday Night. I don’t know. Those small seizures were a distraction. For all I know none of this makes sense. I know right now I cannot slow my thoughts. I am trying. I wasn’t going to release it and then, well, I just have to release it. If no one likes it then that is just the way it goes. I will say this. LOST WITHIN MANY took its toll on me mentally and physically. I did not enjoy writing it. The only other story I have written that was that hard on me was the T.B.O.T.E. series. Which I have decided that as soon as I can I will begin T.B.O.T.E. Book FIVE and then I will go straight into Book SIX. Here I go again and there really isn’t much choice in that. For the love of all that is holy I cannot have a seizure tomorrow. I can’t. It is Mother’s Day. We have a pretty cool set up and plan that my wife is unaware of, as well as my mother. They should both be very surprised. That is my day tomorrow. No seizure. Great Mother’s Day. Release a story then start another one.
Bad Thursday night
Rough night last night and this morning. Had a series of small seizures and they have kinda knocked me for a loop. But that is alright. I wish I could say that was it. That because of the medicine and this and that, my big seizure this time was just a few small ones. But every time I say that, I am wrong. So I will not say that but I will not allow the epilepsy to stall me. I won’t. I will release the story LOST WITHIN MANY and if all goes good it should and I mean should be released this Sunday or Monday. It would be a defiantly if the kids didn’t have so much going on this weekend. My brain though right now, it is a little this way and that way. Focus focus focus focus. I just can’t keep a thought for more than a minute. I might go retweet some pretty cool people then I might get some rest.
Wife said go for it
She did. My wife said go for it. I finished all of this story except for the last page. It is called Lost Within Many. It is the first and hopefully last story that I ever tell that is not supernatural of some kind, except for the love story I have been kicking around in my head. Right now I have a choice. I can finish The Sandman series or I can finish T.B.O.T.E. FIVE and SIX. I am still due as far as the big seizure, actually overdue but that does not matter. I just can’t live that way. The seizures really can hit at any time and anywhere so I can’t really plan around them. So I am going to do what my wife said. I am going to go for it.
Last night I was talking to my son, our oldest. I was talking to him about one of our series that we have available but I couldn’t remember anything. Why can’t I remember? I just need to focus. I need to clear my head. I know that it is all up there but I just can’t find it. Can’t find it can’t find it. Where is it at? This is stupid. I am looking at my notes and they might as well be in a different language. I am not losing it. I am not. I can’t. I won’t.
No doctor appointments
This is going to be a good week. I can’t tell myself that enough. A good week. That is what I need. I have no doctor appointments which means I do not have to hear words that, well, distract me. I am really nervous about releasing the new story LOST WITHIN MANY. I have no idea if it is good or just horrible. I will say that story took a lot out of me. It was rough. It is also the last story I ever got to talk to my father about before his passing and I talked to him about it the night he passed. I know it does no good but I wish I would have known that was the last conversation we were going to have. He was not a fan of the supernatural but this story, I really believe that he would have liked it for more reasons than his son wrote it. I miss you dad. I wish I could call you right now so you could give me one of your who cares what people think speeches. well, I am done rambling. I am going to retweet some pretty cool people then I will see what the night brings.
Getting it together
It has been an interesting week. My brain has been all over the place with little control. I was able to get LOST WITHIN MANY done so that is cool. I got the cover and the description so hopefully we will have it out by Sunday but at the latest it will be next week. The kids have so much going on this weekend. I need to remember remember! I have notes. Read the notes but my problem is understanding what they mean. Oh well. This weekend is going to be interesting We have prom, baseball, softball, track and I am sure there is something that I am forgetting. Last week took more out of me than I like to admit but I am getting it together. I am.
I love being home that is for sure. Just sleeping in your own bed next to your mate. Wow. I love my wife and kids and I missed them last week. I did get a lot of reading done at the hospital so hopefully I will get some reviews up soon. I have several more doctor appointments this month but none of them will be like the stay at the hospital. I wish they would have been successful at inducing a seizure but you go with what you got. Last night I finished the story LOST WITHIN MANY. That is all I have to give. Now I will get the cover done and the description and hopefully it will be available by the 5 or 6 of May. As long as I don’t have my seizure it will be. So I am almost done. I really can’t wait to see what people think. That story has taken a lot out of me.